I keep thinking I'll wake up and life will be back to the way it was. My world has been turned upside down, and there's nothing I can do about it. "It's all in God's hands now." the doctor told us last night. And I know, it always has been. I don't understand why this is all happening, and I probably never will.
You know that feeling of nothing is possible for yourself but anything is possible for everyone else? There's the "Oh, that would never happen to me." referring to tragedies. And then there's the "That could never happen to me." like you have so much hope and faith for everyone else's life except your own. I felt the former with the tragic death of my uncle; I felt the latter when I looked at both pregnancy tests. This can't be real. I felt the same way when Jared proposed, and even after we got married. It wasn't until later that everything sunk in. Needless to say, I didn't have time for things to sink in.
Shock, crying, excitement, scared, more crying, rejoicing, laughing, dreaming, planning - fear, shock, horror, weeping, anger, more weeping, planning, loved, peace, strength - fear, confused, pain, crying, scared, loved, peace, strength, scared again, embarrassed, peace, disappointment, more crying, more love, more peace, more strength.
This is my timeline of emotions from the past several days - From finding out about the pregnancy to finding out about my uncle to the knowledge of a possible miscarriage.
I've come to terms that it is a miscarriage (although we won't technically know for sure until we get the next test results), but I had barely come to terms that I was actually pregnant. We barely had time to celebrate. In some ways, that's a good thing - or so they say. And yet, there's still pain.
Before my brother had called me with the news about my uncle, Jared had just taken me to get my first blood test. They told us they would call with the results on Thursday. Wednesday is when the bleeding had started, so as you can imagine, the pain I felt when answering the phone today to "Mrs. Johnson, we got your tests results back, and congratulations! You're pregnant!" was anything but exciting. But she didn't know, and I spared her from feeling horrible. It's something anyone would have done, including myself.
Two lives came into my life, and two lives went out of my life. One whom I loved, adored, respected, honored, laughed with, walked with, and talked with. The other I never got to touch; I never got to hold. But there is one person that will always be in my life. And He is good, and He is faithful. He is in control, and He always will be. He is what gave me love, peace and strength.
