Keepin' Busy

Jared has been keeping me busy to keep my mind off things. We (or should I say he) got a lot of projects accomplished.

We also painted a screen door and put chicken wire on the back. I'm going to put all our Christmas cards on it! I'll post a picture of that soon. It's pretty! As long as I could sit and do a project or if I took breaks, I could help (or guide) him.

I wanted a vintage look with my Christmas tree, and thanks to Target and Marshall's, I found a few ornaments that went with my vision; however, I also took a shot at making some ornaments. I did this last year with scraps of material that I had, but this year I tried it with scrapbook paper. 

And then we can't forget about Batman! Jared's parents' tree is nothing but Hallmark ornaments, so we're going to carry on the tradition of adding a new Hallmark ornament to the tree every year. Last year, Jared bought me the "Our First Christmas, 2010" ornament. His parent's bought him Batman last year, but this is his debut on our tree!

Speaking of traditions, I love them. We all have things we hold on to from our childhood. Some are good; some are not so good. But, as a kid, I think I did everything to hold on to traditions to overpower anything crummy going on in my life. Kids need consistency. That's a fact. And the reason we hold on to traditions is because of that consistency day after day, year after year. I've been having a blast carrying out traditions with Jared and even beginning a few new ones of our own. And I especially can't wait to start new ones with our kids. 

Test Results

We finally got results back from the OBGYN today. My hCG levels dropped even further which validates the assumption of a miscarriage. We are doing very well considering the circumstances, and super thankful that during this process, my body is doing what it needs to do.

We have been preparing ourselves for this. It doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt, but we are doing our best to carry on and go about our days as usual. My body still needs some time to heal, and we've been so thankful for our small group in sending us meals this past week. My Finster Family (the family I nanny for) let me have this week off, and I couldn't be more appreciative. I love them so much and miss the kids like crazy. Matthew hasn't missed a night to pray for me. He was with me when I found out about my uncle, and he was with Jared when I called him about the bleeding. Through both situations, he couldn't stop asking if I was okay. "Ms. Reagan, are you happy?" "Is Ms. Reagan, okay?" He has the sweetest, caring heart.

I personally want to thank you all for your prayers and support. Jared and I have heard of (and even felt at times) all the prayers that have gone out on our behalf. The love that has been poured out, has left us speechless at times. I praise God for placing such wonderful people in our lives. I've loved the text messages and emails from you all. Each one meant a great deal, just to know that we were in your thoughts and prayers.

Please continue to pray for our family, as the death of my uncle has longer lasting effects on all of us. Everyday life is what's going to be the hardest, especially for my Aunt Carla.

Blessings to you all,
Reagan

Update

Today we went for what will hopefully be our last blood test. My arms are all bruised from having blood drawn several times plus having an IV as well. We will find out results on Monday. If my hCG level goes down any further, then we are 100% it's a miscarriage. We're pretty sure it already has gone down from when I first did the home pregnancy test, but the doctor's want to be thorough, and they also want to rule out a tubal pregnancy and\or infections.

On the California front, my family is doing as well as can be. I got to talk to my aunt today. She sounded strong, but I think it just still isn't reality for any of us.

The doctor recommended that I not travel with the condition that I'm in. So, needless to say, it's been difficult to sit here, feeling helpless, when all I want to do is be with my family. However, Jared and I are completely at peace and know we're where we're supposed to be. Yet, that doesn't mean it isn't a struggle. Tomorrow is the funeral at 11:00 A.M. PT. That's 2:00 PM our time, so Jared and I are going to take some time and spend it in prayer for my family, specifically my Aunt Carla; my cousins Joe and James; their wives Nancy and Cheri; and their children Breanna, Austin, Justin, Andrew, and Nicholas.

Thank you all for all your prayers, thoughts, and support. We are so blessed to have so many people across the country, praying for us and our family. This will never be forgotten. God's grace and love has been poured out on us. May someday He use us to do the same for someone else in need.

This must be a dream...

I keep thinking I'll wake up and life will be back to the way it was. My world has been turned upside down, and there's nothing I can do about it. "It's all in God's hands now." the doctor told us last night. And I know, it always has been. I don't understand why this is all happening, and I probably never will.

You know that feeling of nothing is possible for yourself but anything is possible for everyone else? There's the "Oh, that would never happen to me." referring to tragedies. And then there's the "That could never happen to me." like you have so much hope and faith for everyone else's life except your own. I felt the former with the tragic death of my uncle; I felt the latter when I looked at both pregnancy tests. This can't be real. I felt the same way when Jared proposed, and even after we got married. It wasn't until later that everything sunk in. Needless to say, I didn't have time for things to sink in.

Shock, crying, excitement, scared, more crying, rejoicing, laughing, dreaming, planning - fear, shock, horror, weeping, anger, more weeping, planning, loved, peace, strength - fear, confused, pain, crying, scared, loved, peace, strength, scared again, embarrassed, peace, disappointment, more crying, more love, more peace, more strength. 
This is my timeline of emotions from the past several days - From finding out about the pregnancy to finding out about my uncle to the knowledge of a possible miscarriage.

I've come to terms that it is a miscarriage (although we won't technically know for sure until we get the next test results), but I had barely come to terms that I was actually pregnant. We barely had time to celebrate. In some ways, that's a good thing - or so they say. And yet, there's still pain.

Before my brother had called me with the news about my uncle, Jared had just taken me to get my first blood test. They told us they would call with the results on Thursday. Wednesday is when the bleeding had started, so as you can imagine, the pain I felt when answering the phone today to "Mrs. Johnson, we got your tests results back, and congratulations! You're pregnant!" was anything but exciting. But she didn't know, and I spared her from feeling horrible. It's something anyone would have done, including myself.

Two lives came into my life, and two lives went out of my life. One whom I loved, adored, respected, honored, laughed with, walked with, and talked with. The other I never got to touch; I never got to hold. But there is one person that will always be in my life. And He is good, and He is faithful. He is in control, and He always will be. He is what gave me love, peace and strength.

We've Had a Very Long 72 Hours.

Reagan and I have both wanted to get back into blogging. This is not exactly what I had in mind.

First, I cannot begin to express how much we appreciate all of your prayers from the last few days. God has sustained us and our family and it is clearly evident.

I'll begin with Reagan's family. We found out Tuesday that her uncle, who has been an amazing blessing to her and to me in the short time I've known him, tragically passed away. We were, and are shattered. We have questions, most of which will never have answers, but it reminds me again of God's grace. We cannot run far enough away from God for him to forsake us. Please know that. Know that God's grace is far bigger than any problem you're facing and find your rest in Him. I'm done preaching... for now.

Last weekend we found out Reagan was pregnant. We were stoked. We waited a few days and told some very close friends and then our families. She has been having back pains for a few days so she's been taking it easy. She woke up yesterday with some blood and by noon it had gotten worse. We took her to Wake Med and Sherry Meachum and Michelle Reid came with us. Their help and comfort in all this was a crutch we both needed to lean on.

It took several hours but we finally got in to see a doctor. They came in and told us that the urine test they took at the hospital revealed she wasn't pregnant. Obviously both of us were confused and embarrassed. They told us to hang tight until they got the blood work back. The blood work came back as a positive. Total confusion.

They decided to do an ultrasound because she had some tenderness on one side. That meant one of three things: It was a miscarriage, it was a tubal pregnancy, or she had a cyst on one ovary. They ruled out the cyst so they were concerned.

The ultrasound was inconclusive.

So we went home a little after midnight.

Right now we are just staying at home for a few days. We go back tomorrow for a couple more tests. The doctors feel like it is a miscarriage but we will know more in a couple of days.

Thank you so much for your prayers, phone calls and text messages. Sorry I couldn't reply to everyone but know that we read them and cherish them. We have far more peace then we should. Continue to pray for us and for Reagan's family.

Blessings
Jared and Reagan